THE OLDER MAN AND THE SNOTTY RECEPTIONIST Yesterday I had an appointment to see the urologist for a prostate exam. Of course I was a bit on edge
because all my friends have either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted..The waiting room was filled with
patients. As I approached the receptionist's
desk, I noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. I gave her my name.
In
a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "Yes, I have your name here. You want to see the doctor about Impotence."
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads
around to look at me, a now very embarrassed man. But as usual, I recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice
replied, "No, I've come to inquire about the sex change operation, and I don't want the same doctor that did yours."
. BLONDE
JOKE Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit
the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble..
In order to keep the bank from repossessing
the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
Upon leaving, the brunette tells
her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it.
The
man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.
After paying him, she drives to the nearest
town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office,
and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch.
I
need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'
The telegraph operator
explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word.
Well,
after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.
After a
few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'
The operator shakes
his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to
haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable?'
The brunette explains, 'My sister's
blonde. The word is big.
She'll read it very slowly... 'com-for-da-bul.'
ED AND NANCY'S SINGLE CRUISE
Ed and Nancy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over
heels for Nancy.
When they discovered
they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.
Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Nancy was indeed his soul mate
and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.
On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the
cruise ship, Ed took Nancy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting
for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before
our relationship continues to the next stage.
So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing
question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short,
I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"
Nancy took a deep breath and responded,
"Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest
with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."
"Oh wow! I see,"
Ed replied. He looked down at the table, was quiet for a moment. Deep in serious thought then he added, "You know, it's
probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball. Dearest
Redneck Son I’m writing this slow cuz I no you cant reed fast. We don’t live where we did when you
left home. Yer dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home so we moved. I wont be able
to send you the address cuz the last west Virginia family that lived here took the house numbers when the moved sose
they wouldn’t have to change ther address. This place is really nice. It even has a washin machine. Not so sure
about that. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven’t seen them since. Weather ain’t bad
here. Only rained twice last week: the first time for 3 days, the second time for 4 days. About that coat you wanted
me to send; your uncle Billy Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on so we cut em off and put
em in the pockets. Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We wuz really worried cuz it took him two hours to get
me and your dad out. Yer sister had a baby this morning, but I haven’t found out if it’s a boy or girl so
I don’t know if yer a ant or uncle. Uncle Bobby Ray fell in a whiskey bat last week. Some men tried to pull him
out but he fought em off an drownd. We had him cremated, he burned for three days Got some bad news. Three of yer friends
went off a bridge in a pickup. Butch was drivin. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Yer other two friends were
in the back. They drownd cuz they couldn’t get the tailgate down. No more news. Nothin much out of the ordinary
has happened. Yer favrite ant, mom CLICK FOR MORE CLEAN HUMOR
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THE SPLITER A woman from Los Angeles
, CA who was a tree hugger, a Democrat, and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland near Colville , WA . There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a
good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered
a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the
ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to Mt. Carmel ER to see a doctor. She
told him she was an environmentalist, a democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor
listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could
help her. She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you
so long?" He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber
from a recreational area. I'm sorry, but due to Obama Care, they turned me down.".. . BOB & THE BLONDE:
Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.
He sat down
next to a blonde at the bar
And stared up at the TV. The
10 PM news was coming on.
The news crew was covering the story
Of a man on
the ledge of a large building
Preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Bob and said,
"Do you think he'll jump?"Bob said,
"You
know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied,
"Well, I bet he won't."
Bob placed
a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar,
The
guy on the ledge
Did a swan dive
off the building,
Falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset,
But willingly handed her $20
to Bob. "Fair's fair. Here's your money."Bob replied,
"I can't take your money.
I saw this earlier on the
5
PM news,
So I knew he would jump."
The blonde replied,
"I did, too,
But I didn't think he'd do it again."
Bob took
the money. . | | CURTAIN RODS On the first
day, she sadly packed her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had
the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful
dining-room table, by candle-light; she put on some soft backgroundmusic, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.When she'd finished, she went into each and every room and deposited afew half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar into the hollow centre of the curtain rods.She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. On the fourth
day, the husband came back with his new girlfriend, and at first all was bliss.Then, slowly, the house began to smell.They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place.Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in toset
off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for afew days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked!People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid
quit. Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move, but a month
later - even though they'd cut their price inhalf -
they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house. Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return
their calls. Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of
money from the bank to purchase a new place. Then the ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and
said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduceher divorce settlement in exchange for having the house. Knowing she could have no idea
how bad the smell really was, he agreed on a price that was only 1/10 th of what the house had been worth ...but only if she would sign the papers that very day.She agreed, and within two hours his lawyers delivered the completed
paperwork. A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack
everything to take to their new home ........ and to
spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods! I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU? |
PLEASE VISIT THE PAGE FOR WOMEN OVER FIFTY and their interests. . Jesus Knows You're Here . A
burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,
'Jesus knows you're here.' . He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.When
he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so
he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.' . Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally,
in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. . 'Did
you say that?' he hissed at the parrot. . 'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching
you.' . The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the
world are you ?' . 'Moses,' replied the bird. . 'Moses?'
the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?' .
'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler
Jesus.' MORE JOKES AND HUMOR
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