Retirement Jokes, Humor and Funny Tidbits
After 50, if you don't wake up aching in every
joint...you are
probably dead!! Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It
was ruled 'Gentlemen
Only...Ladies Forbidden'.. .and thus, the word GOLF entered into the English language. A Long Happy Life A
woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I
couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?" "I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a
case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise." "That's
amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?' "Twenty-six,"
he said. Bodily Malfunctions Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily functions. One seventy year old man says to the others, "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes
me twenty minutes to pee." An
eighty year old man says, "That‘s nothing. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour
before I finally have a bowel movement." The ninety year old man says, "At seven I pee like a race horse, at eight I crap like a cow." "So what's your problem?" asked the others. "I
don't wake up until nine."
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Retirement
Joke On the day before his retirement, a construction worker sat with his supervisor at lunch.
"Last
day, huh?" asked the supervisor. "Are you looking forward to retirement?"
"Let me put it like
this," said the construction worker. "The most miserable existence I can imagine is spending years constantly performing
manual labor, under the direction of a tyrannical overlord."
"Wow," said the supervisor. "I
didn't realize I was making your life so miserable. In fact, I thought you liked this job."
"I do
like this job. I was talking about my wife's plans for my retirement." MORRIS
BUYS A CAR Morris, a Russian man saves his rubles for twenty years to buy a new car. After choosing the
model and options he wants, he's not the least bit surprised or even concerned to learn that it will take two years for the
new car to be delivered. He thanks the salesman and starts to leave, but as he reaches the door he pauses and turns back to
the salesman "Do you know which week two years from now the new car will arrive?" he asks. The salesman checks his notes and tells the Morris that it will be two years to the
exact week. The man thanks the salesman and starts out again, but upon reaching the door, he turns back again. "Could you possibly tell me what day of the week two years from now
the car will arrive?" The salesman, mildly annoyed,
checks his notes again and says that it will be exactly two years from this week, on Thursday.
Morris thanks the salesman and once again starts to leave. Halfway though the door,
he hesitates, turns back, and walks up to the salesman. "I'm
sorry to be so much trouble, but do you know if that will be two years from now on Thursday in the morning, or in the afternoon?" Visibly irritated, the salesman flips through his papers yet
another time and says sharply that it will be in the afternoon, two years from now on Thursday.
"That's a relief!" says Morris. "The plumber is coming that morning." _______________________________ Scratch a cat and you will have a permanent
job…. Dearest Redneck Son...a letter from a loving mother (and more humor) Read More The Divorced Woman and Curtains ...More Jokes Three Men Marry ...More Jokes ------------------------------------------------------------------ WHATCHA DOIN'? My wife said, "Whatcha doin today?" I
said, "Nothing." She said, "You did that yesterday." I said, "I wasn't finished." FUNNY JOKES FROM YEARS AGO Marital jokes that aren't offensive are often very humorous. Just ask Ray Romano. He starred in
a very successul sitcom some years ago based on his stand-up material about marital and family comedy that became
an American favorite. Jeff Foxworthy did the same. So, after receiving an email from my sister, Julie, with a few clean jokes
about marital "bliss" told years ago by Red Skelton, I decided to post them here for your enjoyment. . RED SKELTON'S
RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE .
1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant,
have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes
on Tuesdays; I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California, and mine is in > Texas .
3. I take my wife
everywhere....but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our
anniversary. 'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she
said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster
and electric bread maker. She said 'There are too many
gadgets, and no place to sit down!' So I bought her an electric
chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor.
I asked where the car
was. She told me, 'In the lake.'
8. She got a mud pack, and looked great
for two days. Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, 'Am I too late
for the garbage?' The driver said, 'No, jump in!'
10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause
of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months I don't like to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was
my fault though. My wife asked, 'What's on the TV?' I said, 'Dust!'
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MORE CLEAN HUMOR IF MY BODY WAS A CAR.....
this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I 've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull ....
But that's not the worst of it. My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close. My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even
in the best of weather. My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel
rate burns inefficiently. But here's the worst of it -Almost every time I sneeze,
cough or sputter..... either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires. A man is going
skydiving for the first time. After listening to the instructor for what seems like days, he is ready to go. The man goes up in the airplane and waits to get to the proper altitude.
Excited, he jumps out of the airplane. After a bit, he pulls the ripcord. Nothing happens. He tries again. Still nothing.
He starts to panic, but remembers his back-up chute. He pulls that cord. Nothing happens. He frantically begins pulling both
cords, but to no avail. Suddenly, he looks
down and he can't believe his eyes. Another man is in the air with him, but this guy is going up! Just as the other guy passes
by, the skydiver, by this time scared out of his wits, yells, "Hey, do you know anything about skydiving?" The other
guy yells back, "No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?
SENIOR DRIVING As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently
warning him, 'Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a
car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!'
'Heck,' said Herman, 'It's not just one car. It's hundreds of
them!' JUST A LITTLE NAUGHTY JOKES Sex Advice A young guy was about to be married and asked
his grandfather about sex. “How often you should have sex grandpa?’ His grandfather smiled. “When you first get married, you want it all the time, and maybe
do it several times a day.” The young man nodded eagerly. His grandfather continued. “Later on, the sex tapers off and you have it once a week
or so. Then as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month. When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year
- maybe on your anniversary.” The young man then asked, "Well how about
you and Grandma now?" His grandfather replied, "Oh, we just have oral
sex now." "What's oral sex?" The young man asked. "Well," Grandpa said, "She goes to bed into her bedroom, and I go to into my
bedroom. Then she yells, 'F--- You!" And I holler back, "F--- You too'." Size Matters Gwen and
Lilly, 80+ year old ladies, were outside their nursing home, having a smoke when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled
out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette and continued smoking. Lilly asked, “What's that? Gwen said, “A condom. I use it so my cigarette doesn't get wet.” Lydia asked “Where did you get it?” “You can get them at any drugstore“ replied Gwen.
The next day, Lydia hobbles down to
the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80), then politely
asks “What brand do you prefer“ Lilly shruggs,
“It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel.” If you are 50 or older you will think this is hilarious!!!!
Submitted by Roxy Hudak When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they
were growing up; what with walking Twenty-five miles to school every
morning. Uphill... barefoot...BOTH ways...Yadda, yadda, yadda And
I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that
on kids about how hard I had it ...And how easy they've got it! But now that... I'm over the ripe old age of Oh,
somewhere between Thirty and Fifty (something), I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia! And
I hate to say it but you kids today don't know how good you've got it! I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet.
If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves... in the card catalogue!! There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter, with a pen! Then you
had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there! There were no MP3' s or Napsters! You wanted to Steal music, you had to hitchhike to the
damn record store and shoplift it yourself! Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ'd usually
talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up! We didn't have fancy
crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it! And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it
was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your Bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn't know!!!
You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister! We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution
3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games Like 'Space Invaders' and 'asteroids'. Your guy was a little square! You actually
had to use your I magination!! And there were no multiple levels of screens, it was just one screen Forever! And you
could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you finally died! Just like
LIFE! You had to use a Little book called a TV Guide to find out
what was on! You were screwed when it Came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change
the Channel and there was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you Hear what I'm
saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK For cartoons, you spoiled Little rat-bastards! And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up we had to use the stove ... Imagine that! That's
exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled. You guys wouldn't have lasted Five minutes back in 1980! Regards, The over 30 Crowd
I LOVE HUMOR by Chris Cross I love comedy in most any form...stand-up, sit-coms, films and jokes I hear at parties or ones people
send me through email. What I don't like are some (most) of the current popular comedians who confuse vulgar language
with real comedy. Several years ago I went to see Pauly Shore at a comedy club and he so disgusted my date
and I that we got up in the middle of his routine and left. There are a few comedians still out there that truly have the gift of comedy coursing through their
veins and don't need to rely on smut. Some notables are Rita Rudner, the cleanest act in Las Vegas, Ellen Degeneres
who takes you on a laugh-filled journey through stories about human nature, Jerry Seinfeld at finding humor in daily
routines right in front of him, and Howie Mandel who is a master at finding it in his audiences. The new comedians say their routines have changed to suit the more sophisticated
pallate of their audience. Frankly, the F word doesn't seem all that sophisticated to me. Nor do jokes about defecation, dialogues
about women's periods, drugs, men's erectile disfunctions and a litany of other bodily functions that well,
just aren't funny to anyone but a drunk audience
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