Grandparenting Choices Today

by Chris Cross 

More and more boomers are choosing, or forced to have long-distance relationships with their families. As our society becomes more transient and our children move out of the towns and cities they grew up in for employment opportunities/advancement, or we ourselves move away to more affordable towns and cities as we approach retirement, the family dynamics change. Our roles morph from cookie baking grandmas into women with new hobbies and interests that take the place of the traditional "grandparent" icon. But is this new role right for everyone? Do most women prefer, still, to live in the same neighborhood as their children so they can spend their time babysitting those adorable bundles of energy and having our children and grandchildren over once a week for a family dinner? You tell me...

Last summer my husband and I went to a movie and dinner with a lovely couple. The only thing the wife talked about during the ride to the restaurant, during dinner, and the ride home was her grandchildren. What sports they were involved in, why she can't leave home all day because she baby sits them, what grades they got on their last report cards and little 2 year old Johnny's latest antics. No other topic seemed to be of interest to her. And if we did by chance stray off topic, she anxiously waited for any lull in the conversation so she could resume her monologue.

I don't know her grandkids, and they might be as cute as mine, but frankly I was getting bored. Where was the lively give and take of conversational social intercourse? Didn't she have any other interests, hobbies, or opinions about travel, politics, current events, books, the economy, illegal aliens...even the ones arriving in UFO's?  Anything? Why did she think I wanted to know everything about children I didn't even know in the first place?

Realizing I was getting exercized over such a small issue I stepped back and asked myself if my anxt grew out of a loss I hand't confronted. My grandkids are a good 8 hours away by car and I don't see them very often. Could this simply be chalked up to jealousy?

That thought was quickly replaced with the realization that even if I lived close enough to babysit my grandkids every day like she did, I wouldn't.  And perhaps that was the root of the problem. Guilt. I didn't fit into the stereotypical role of a "good grandma". A fact which my daughter has reminded me of, subtly or not on many occasions. She would have much preferred the cookie-baking, babysit the children woman we dined with to be her mother. Me, not so much. I enjoy witty reparte and discussions about the possibility of life on a space station, or under the deep blue sea. What it would be like to live in Honduras or Italy. Why I would or would't be voting Democratic this election year. I have my own interests, hobbies and a wonderful relationship with my husband that keep me fulfilled.

But that doesn't preclude me loving my children and my grandchildren.  They are amazing and I absolutely love being with them. My husband and I have driven 8 hours just to watch a game of soccer, smile with pride during dance recitals and watch their faces light up when they choose their special ornament at one of several department stores we visit after  lunch just with grandma and grandpa...our Christmas tradition. 

So who's right? Or is there even a right way to grand-parent?  Do we have to give up part of ourselves, our individuality and slip into the traditional role to be socially acceptable as a grandparent? Or is it okay to let your children rear their babies on their own, visiting when possible and enjoying the little ones' accomplishments, trials, and beaming faces when we can? Are we missing the bond between grandparent and grandchild that can only be built by spending a lot of time together? And if we are, is there a way to make that connection from a distance?