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Retirement Jokes, Humor and Funny Tidbits
After 50, if you don't wake up aching in every
joint...you are
probably dead!! Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It
was ruled 'Gentlemen
Only...Ladies Forbidden'.. .and thus, the word GOLF entered into the English language. A Long Happy Life A
woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I
couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?" "I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a
case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise." "That's
amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?' "Twenty-six,"
he said. Perks of being over 50 or 60!
1.
Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In
a hostage situation, you are the most likely to be released first.
3.
No one expects you to run-- Anywhere.
4. People
call at 8 PM (or 8 AM) and ask, 'Did I wake you?'
5. People
no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing
left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now probably
won't wear out.
8. You can eat Supper at 4 PM without
getting funny looks.
9. You can live without sex, but
not your glasses.
10. You no longer think of speed limits
as a challenge.
11. You quit trying to hold your stomach
in no matter who walks into the room.
12. Your eyes won't
get much worse.
13. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are more
accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
17.
Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them.
18.
Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
19.
You can't remember where you saw this list. Bodily Malfunctions Three old men are talking about
their aches, pains and bodily functions. One seventy year old man says to the
others, "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to pee." An eighty year old man says, "That‘s
nothing. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement."
The ninety year old man says, "At
seven I pee like a race horse, at eight I crap like a cow." "So what's
your problem?" asked the others. "I don't wake up until nine." THE
MOST IMPORTANT THING TO REMEMBER TODAY:
Never, NEVER,
NEVER, Under any circumstances, Take a sleeping pill, and
a laxative on
The same night!
. . . LOVE TRIVIA AND FUNNY TIDBITS...YOU'LL FIND LOADS OF
THEM BY CLICKING HERE
Retirement
Joke On the day before his retirement, a construction worker sat with his supervisor at lunch.
"Last
day, huh?" asked the supervisor. "Are you looking forward to retirement?"
"Let me put it like
this," said the construction worker. "The most miserable existence I can imagine is spending years constantly performing
manual labor, under the direction of a tyrannical overlord."
"Wow," said the supervisor. "I
didn't realize I was making your life so miserable. In fact, I thought you liked this job."
"I do
like this job. I was talking about my wife's plans for my retirement."
THE BOTTLE OF WINE- Sally was driving home from one of her businesstrips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderlyNavajo woman walking on the side
of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stoppedthe
car and asked the Navajo woman if she would likea ride. With
a silent nod of thanks, the woman got intothe car. Resuming
the journey, Sally tried in vain to makea bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The oldwoman just sat silently, looking intently ateverything
she saw, studying every little detail,until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next toSally. 'What in bag?' asked the old woman. Sally
looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It'sa bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.' The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet
wisdom of an elder,she nodded and said: 'Good trade.....' MORRIS BUYS A CAR Morris, a Russian man saves his rubles for twenty years to buy
a new car. After choosing the model and options he wants, he's not the least bit surprised or even concerned to learn that
it will take two years for the new car to be delivered. He thanks the salesman and starts to leave, but as he reaches the
door he pauses and turns back to the salesman "Do you know which week two years from now the new car will arrive?"
he asks. The salesman checks his notes and tells the Morris
that it will be two years to the exact week. The man thanks the salesman and starts out again, but upon reaching the door,
he turns back again. "Could you possibly tell me
what day of the week two years from now the car will arrive?" The
salesman, mildly annoyed, checks his notes again and says that it will be exactly two years from this week, on Thursday. Morris thanks the salesman and once again starts to leave.
Halfway though the door, he hesitates, turns back, and walks up to the salesman. "I'm sorry to be so much trouble, but do you know if that will be two years from now on Thursday in the
morning, or in the afternoon?" Visibly irritated,
the salesman flips through his papers yet another time and says sharply that it will be in the afternoon, two years from now
on Thursday. "That's a relief!" says Morris.
"The plumber is coming that morning." _______________________________ Scratch a cat and you will have a permanent
job…. Dearest Redneck Son...a letter from a loving mother (and more humor) Read More The Divorced Woman and Curtains ...More Jokes Three Men Marry ...More Jokes ------------------------------------------------------------------ WHATCHA DOIN'? My wife said, "Whatcha doin today?" I
said, "Nothing." She said, "You did that yesterday." I said, "I wasn't finished." FUNNY JOKES FROM YEARS AGO Marital jokes that aren't offensive are often very humorous. Just ask Ray Romano. He starred in
a very successul sitcom some years ago based on his stand-up material about marital and family comedy that became
an American favorite. Jeff Foxworthy did the same. So, after receiving an email from my sister, Julie, with a few clean jokes
about marital "bliss" told years ago by Red Skelton, I decided to post them here for your enjoyment. . RED SKELTON'S
RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE .
1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant,
have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes
on Tuesdays; I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California, and mine is in > Texas .
3. I take my wife
everywhere....but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our
anniversary. 'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she
said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster
and electric bread maker. She said 'There are too many
gadgets, and no place to sit down!' So I bought her an electric
chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor.
I asked where the car
was. She told me, 'In the lake.'
8. She got a mud pack, and looked great
for two days. Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, 'Am I too late
for the garbage?' The driver said, 'No, jump in!'
10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause
of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months I don't like to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was
my fault though. My wife asked, 'What's on the TV?' I said, 'Dust!' . BLESSED ARE THE CRACKED,
FOR THEY LET IN THE LIGHT!
1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and
I didn't.
2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every damn minute of it.
3. Some people are alive only because
it's illegal to kill them.
4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. 5. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10. Out of my mind. Back
in five minutes.
11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck- is-the-room- spinning medicine.
12. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15. Ever stop to think, and forget
to start again?
16. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18. Procrastinate
Now!
19. I Have a Degree in Liberal
Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21. A journey of a thousand miles begins
with a cash advance.
22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23 They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease
was already taken.
24. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25.
A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
26. Ham
and eggs... A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig. (how true)
27. The trouble with life is there's
no background music.
28. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.
Appreciate every single thing you have, especially
your friends! Life is too short and friends are too few .
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MORE CLEAN JOKES . IF MY BODY WAS A CAR..... this is the time I would
be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I 've got bumps and
dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull .... But that's not the worst of it. My headlights
are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close. My traction
is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather. My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It
takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently. But here's the worst of it -Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter..... either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires. A man is going skydiving for the first time. After listening to the instructor
for what seems like days, he is ready to go. The
man goes up in the airplane and waits to get to the proper altitude. Excited, he jumps out of the airplane. After a bit, he
pulls the ripcord. Nothing happens. He tries again. Still nothing. He starts to panic, but remembers his back-up chute. He
pulls that cord. Nothing happens. He frantically begins pulling both cords, but to no avail. Suddenly, he looks down and he can't believe his eyes. Another man is in
the air with him, but this guy is going up! Just as the other guy passes by, the skydiver, by this time scared out of his
wits, yells, "Hey, do you know anything about skydiving?" The other guy yells back, "No! Do you know anything
about gas stoves?
SENIOR DRIVING As a senior
citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering,
he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, 'Herman, I just
heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate
77. Please be careful!' 'Heck,' said Herman, 'It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!' JUST A LITTLE NAUGHTY JOKES Sex Advice A young guy was about to be married and asked his grandfather about sex. “How often you should have sex grandpa?’ His grandfather
smiled. “When you first get married, you want it all the time, and maybe do it several times a day.” The young man nodded eagerly. His grandfather
continued. “Later on, the sex tapers off and you have it once a week or so. Then as you get older, you have sex maybe
once a month. When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year - maybe on your anniversary.” The young man then asked, "Well how about you and Grandma now?" His grandfather replied, "Oh, we just have oral sex now." "What's
oral sex?" The young man asked. "Well," Grandpa said, "She
goes to bed into her bedroom, and I go to into my bedroom. Then she yells, 'F--- You!" And I holler back, "F---
You too'." Size Matters Gwen and Lilly, 80+ year old ladies, were outside their nursing home, having a smoke
when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette and continued smoking.
Lilly asked, “What's that? Gwen said, “A condom.
I use it so my cigarette doesn't get wet.” Lydia
asked “Where did you get it?” “You
can get them at any drugstore“ replied Gwen. The
next day, Lydia hobbles down to the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all,
over 80), then politely asks “What brand do you prefer“ Lilly shruggs, “It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel.”  If you are 50 or older you will think this
is hilarious!!!! Submitted by Roxy Hudak When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious
diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up;
what with walking Twenty-five miles to school every morning. Uphill... barefoot...BOTH ways...Yadda, yadda, yadda And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going
to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it ...And how easy they've got it! But now that...
I'm over the ripe old age of Oh, somewhere between Thirty and Fifty (something), I can't help but look around and
notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared
to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia! And I hate to say it but you kids today don't know how good you've got it! I mean,
when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it
up ourselves... in the card catalogue!! There was no email!! We
had to actually write somebody a letter, with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the
mailbox and it would take like a week to get there! There were
no MP3' s or Napsters! You wanted to Steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself!
Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ'd usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up! We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else
called they got a busy signal, that's it! And we didn't have fancy
Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your Bookie,
your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister! We didn't
have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games Like
'Space Invaders' and 'asteroids'. Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your I magination!! And there were
no multiple levels of screens, it was just one screen Forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder
and harder and faster and faster until you finally died! Just like LIFE! You had to use a Little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it Came to channel
surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the Channel and there was no Cartoon Network either!
You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you Hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK For cartoons,
you spoiled Little rat-bastards! And we didn't have microwaves,
if we wanted to heat something up we had to use the stove ... Imagine that! That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids
today have got it too easy. You're spoiled. You guys wouldn't have lasted Five minutes back in 1980! Regards, The over 30 Crowd
MORE CLEAN HUMOR
VISIT THE WOMEN'S PAGE VISIT THE MEN'S PAGE
I LOVE HUMOR by Chris Cross I love comedy in most any form...stand-up, sit-coms, films and jokes I hear at parties or ones people
send me through email. What I don't like are some (most) of the current popular comedians who confuse vulgar language
with real comedy. Several years ago I went to see Pauly Shore at a comedy club and he so disgusted my date
and I that we got up in the middle of his routine and left. There are a few comedians still out there that truly have the gift of comedy coursing through their
veins and don't need to rely on smut. Some notables are Rita Rudner, the cleanest act in Las Vegas, Ellen Degeneres
who takes you on a laugh-filled journey through stories about human nature, Jerry Seinfeld at finding humor in daily
routines right in front of him, and Howie Mandel who is a master at finding it in his audiences. The new comedians say their routines have changed to suit the more sophisticated
pallate of their audience. Frankly, the F word doesn't seem all that sophisticated to me. Nor do jokes about defecation, dialogues
about women's periods, drugs, men's erectile disfunctions and a litany of other bodily functions that well,
just aren't funny to anyone but a drunk audience
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